August 10, 2019

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Running with a Jiggle Butt

How's THAT for a blog title?


It may sound funny or a little crass, but believe me this story is about a very pivotal and profound point in my life.  And it happened this week!


Well, this incident wasn't profound as in a spiritual awakening or anything like that.  Then again, maybe it was.  After all, we connect with Spirit when we are connected with ourselves.  And, we can't be fully connected when we despise our parts.  I've been working on this "parts thing" A LOT over the years...and so....


At age 48 and 3/4.  June 2, 2019.  For the first time in a VERY LONG time...



 I ran without covering my ass! 



(I wasn't even wearing my "good leggings" either, the ones that hold me all in.)  



Go ahead.  Laugh!  Cringe!  Whatever.  I don't really care because of just that —


I DO NOT really care.  I no longer give a flying forklift.  I just can't.  No longer.  I do not, can not, will not care.  And it feels so good!


I'm free!  I'm free! 


Again, you can laugh.  It seems so tiny but it feels so BIG!  If you run, you understand this.  Running while constantly tugging down a top or a jacket is just...disruptive.  Running while cotton is clinging to your ass just creates more anxiety.  A reminder of what your body is not — a "runner's body'.   


Running — using my body's STRENGTH to PROPEL me, and pretty quickly if I say so myself — while apologizing for what people see as WEAK, for what I see as WEAK — just feels like defeat.  


Why did I need to apologize for not having a perfect body?  A runner's body?  Who says?  If people don't want to see my butt bounce or my dimpled left cheek (full disclosure here) they can look away! 


And, who says anyone was looking in the first place?  


Cripes.  The mess our thoughts create! (That's all this is you know that right? – Thoughts in my head...)


TOO OFTEN in my life I have cared TOO MUCH about what others might think of me.  Some of this stems from being praised, and judged, and compared, for how I looked.  Other parts of this stems from my failures – my BELIEFS about my failures — the pain from the embarrassment I felt, and seeing the reaction from people I loved, or people I did not even care about — I let their opinions matter. 


My worth was gained from others, not from myself.


So, what does this have to do with having Hashimoto's?  Nothing.  And EVERYTHING.


Anecdotally, women with Hashi's tend to be or have been people pleasers, "good girls" (and good girls who weren't always "good" so carried the guilt and shame in THAT), perfectionists, and apologists.  OFTEN but not always of course, these things spill over onto body image.  ALWAYS, these emotions and self talk spill over onto our health.  Our thoughts and words affect our health.  Period.


Scientifically, studies show a correlation between women with autoimmunty and women with a history of eating disorders or disordered eating.  Having an ED or disordered eating often stems from the need for control.  My own history with disordered eating, and others similar to me, stemmed from perfectionism and the need to please — both an issue of worth, manifested in poor body image.


Whether you have Hashi's or not.  Your self worth, or lack thereof, is contributing to your dis-ease. 


If you care more about what others think of you, you think less of yourself.  Period.


I thought I was THROUGH all this.  I thought I had coached myself and been coached though my limiting beliefs.  But they ARE, as you may hear, like an onion.  We just keep peeling back the layers until one day, hopefully, there are no layers left.  The learning is in the peeling, the journey. 


This worth issue all came out LOUDLY during my business/LIFE retreat in LA last weekend.  The thoughts holding me back in business are the same thoughts holding me back in life.  Including, and not limited to, giving a rats ass what other people think of me.  It's a very hard habit, this badgering self-talk, to break.  But I'm doing it. 


Finally, at 48 and 3/4.  


Here's to being too old for this kind of self harming bullshit.  Find freedom in the fact that you are worthy because you just are.  Period.  Finito.  


So, beautiful and powerful Girlfriend, I'll see your jiggle gut with my juggle butt at the pool.  Orrr, if you are toned and un-dimpled, I'll see you there, too.  We can toast to our freedom and beauty and worth just from being as we are, who we are.