August 10, 2019

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Cry If You Want To.

(This blog was written for you 3 years ago.   I WANTED to share.  I PLANNED to share.  My goal is always share that you have permission and a responsibility even to FEEL. 

I never published it.  So, I thought it was time to share. Read this first.  Then MY update at the end.)



When's the last time you cried?  I mean, really howled?  


I just got in from a walking meditation, here on my trails, and wanted to share my experience.


I'm also going to get pretty grossly honest here.  It's the only way I can be with you. It's something I can't help doing once I decided to embrace my Woo, to be Real, right?  I'm not always the best at it, but I find when I try to hide the truth of who I am I just feel sick to my stomach.  To my Hashi's.  (Sick to my Hashi's...ha!)  To my heart.


Sick to my heart.


Soooo, this past year has been really rough in the K household.  I mean the previous four since we moved here weren't so rosy either.  But things really started to come to a head between my husband and I.  (You know, I first wrote "hubby" and then thought, "That makes us sound cute. We are not cute!"  And, not that he isn't, but this is serious between us and calling him hubby sounds like I'm telling a story about our date the other night. To be completely fair, thanks to Gay Hendricks I can admit, I alone have absolutely NOT been cute this year either.  Cuteness was not to be found amongst us.)


Anyway, we are WORKING, WORKING, WORKING, WORKING, WORKING on it.  On us.  On ourselves.  But I am the worst with grudges and holding on.  He might be a close second but I claim first prize.  And I've been practicing letting go and trying not to hold every little thing against him.  And I've had a ton of coaching around this, and I've learned a lot about myself and where this holding on comes from and who I need to become if this is going to get better. Not just better.  I want good.  I want amazing.  


And, no, I do not think that is pie-in-the-sky too much to ask for.  


But lately, it's been  I think finally yesterday, my brain exploded from it all.  It has been building for a while and yes I've screamed and cried.  But, not over this.  


Not over how HARD it is to do the work.  


How hard it is to become better than I am now.  Hard it is to become bigger than I am now. Hard it is to become stronger than I am now.  Every single day.  It is hard work in a marriage. And, I deserved to cry about it.  But I hadn't, yet.


So, on my walk, it just so happened that today's meditation was about the power within.  And how good it feels when we use this power to help others.  And some of us have days when our struggles just seem too hard to bear and we can't fathom carrying it any longer.


Tears! Pouring down my face. I literally fell, like into a squat, hands on the wet grass in front of me, staring into the dirt and leaves and just cried.  I could not believe the timing of those words.  


Deep breaths.  I was being spoken to and I wanted to start listening.


The meditation -- which is my go-to, by the way.  It's one of those 21 day meditations from Deepak and Oprah -- so I'd heard it multiple times before.  But not like this.  It was like when you drive by the same house every day and one day you notice the fence has the most intricate design. Something speaks to you. 


This meditation was teaching that we have limited power, individually, but when we connect to the power of the Universe, we become infinitely powerful.  

Such a beautiful message.  


And, I've read countless spiritual books and self-help books and share with some of you how to tap in, right?  But, it seems I'd forgotten it myself.  I was so bogged down with the struggle.  Including, and this is HUGE for you and me,  keeping my body from collapsing as it was beginning to from the combination of  stress + Hashi's.  It was like I was in this daily war to survive.  Quietly of course.  No publicity.


Here's my message.  


We need to share our struggles with the Universe, or with God or Spirit or Source or Nature or whichever you believe.  Part of how we do this is letting them out.  Crying.  Sobbing.  Feeling it all no matter how painful.  It MUST  HAPPEN.  


I mean, my cries were so ugly and hard and loud.  I am sure I scared away the wildlife!  I even found myself, funnily enough, crying with my mouth wide open, yup that cry, walking down a hill and then realizing, with slight horror, our neighbor's hunting stand was right there.  He wasn't in it, Cripes I'd hoped! but many times he'll keep cameras to track deer patterns.  I froze.  Not that composing myself would help at this point.  Yup, my ugly cry was probably being photographed right there in the "wild"!  


I was ashamed, then mad at HIM, then... nothing.  


Just peace. 


So what?  Crying is OK.   I mean what a super freaking release, right?  So he sees me cry?  So my kids see me cry?  So anyone sees me cry?  Tears are cleansing. 


SO what? 


I'd just tapped into some really powerful, flaming,  feelings and was finally releasing them.


That's what.


Hashimamas!  Girlfriends!  Life throws us some crazy stuff.  And it's hard and messy more often than not.  Well, it is for me and I'm banking that it is for you too.  (Please tell me it is for you, too.)